In response to my article entitled “Fathers, Do Not Embitter Your Children“, I received a very heartfelt question;
In regards to both scriptures in Colossians about children obeying your parents and fathers not embittering your children. How do either of the scriptures apply to a father/parent that has not raised you. Has been in and out of your life, I am now grown, he wants the respect a father should get but does not want to do things a father does. I have no grudges of the past but things that are going on now are very relevant to the present state of our relationship.
The scriptures that I referred to in the original article were Colossians 3:20-21;
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Based on what I have heard from other Christians I recommended the book Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. The books subtitle is “When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life”.
I also linked to an article entitled “How do we honour and abusive parent?“. Although the absent father was not “abusive”, I wondered if some of the issues would be the same.
How Do You Think the Reader Should Honour Their Absent Father?
I felt like my answer was inadequate to fully answer the depth of the question I was asked.
I would love to open up the comments for other people’s thoughts on the readers question and how they should honour their absent father who is now back in their life…
Of course, I do not know this guys full story or his father’s story.
My first thought is this: If it is safe, one way to honor a parent that has not been a part of your life is to give them a real chance for relationship even if they do not deserve it. It would be like an offering to God of obedience.
I don’t think God’s intent in the command, though, is to force children to be manipulated by demanding parents. The boundaries concepts still apply.
Just a few thoughts…
Bill, it has taken awhile, sorry about that. We are called to honour the parent but not in anyway honour the dishonourable things that they have done. So practically, to me, that means communicating thanksgiving and honour by addressing them in a respectful way but share with honesty that the behavior that is hurtful is not helpful or unacceptable. “Dad, thanks for wanting to give me feedback but it is hurtful to me when you call me stupid”. If the behavior continues separating ourselves from them so that we do not get called names. Sometimes we could manage an explanation but sometimes we need to quietly remove ourselves.
For the absent Father, in my case, I pursued relationship when I was able even with the risk of being further rejected. I felt no pressure or “have tos” but sincerely desired to see the relationship restored. I was able, not everyone is able. When I did, I had nothing to lose and felt free in regards to the forgiveness that was there in my heart and mind. It really became a reality where God provided both the desire, opportunity, and the faith to see change. Pursuing relationship was the right thing to do even if the response was less than satisfactory. At that point, “the ball is in their court”.
Peace, Russ
@JonDavisJr ….yes, I agree. In fact, now, my Dad and I enjoy time together and we talk quite freely. He still feels inadequate as a Father. His honesty about that is often very encouraging to me. My efforts years ago have paid off in that he knows I have forgiven the past and truly and simply want a relationship.